It’s now been virtually three months since Maureen died (29th October, 2013), and just to let you know I am still alive here is the latest on what happens when you are bereaved.
Daily life still continues to be more of a nightmare than anything like it was before.
The mood-swings continue, with the slightest thing setting off a long crying session. It is also now impossible to stay in the house (alone) for more than one day.
Physically. Still not sleeping, am really tired all the time (go to bed at 8pm), have little or no energy to do things like going out and tackling the garden, and my shoulder still hasn’t stopped hurting like hell (though it has improved sufficiently to cycle again).
Loneliness is the biggest problem. I have a constant and bottomless craving to be with someone, and spend every spare moment on the internet trying to find them but to no avail (I must be too old or too ugly, even for people as desperate as me). Going out with friends is okay though, and I actually enjoy myself then, feel relatively normal. New situations are still a problem and driving alone is virtually impossible. As is visiting a city unaccompanied, even though I desperately need to go to Sevilla for replacement second-hand clothes and new glasses.
I still think about suicide as much (several times a day). Also for the first time, about getting old, that from now on if I stay single there are going to be a lot more horrible moments like this. At least Maureen was lucky in that respect, she got out at her prime and will never have to experience any of that.
Overall the feeling is not being a complete or real person anymore, that I am wasting precious days doing nothing but ticking over.