…why haven’t I written anything here recently?
The answer is simple, nothing has happened. I am still in the same state of shock, and still stuck outside the world everyone else exists in. Some people can see me, but for most I am like a ghost passing invisibly by, a thick glass wall between, that stops anything passing between (perhaps I am dead, certainly feels like it). This is apparently perfectly normal though, even if Eduardo (and many others who have not experienced such a loss) think it’s about time I pulled myself together and found a job or moved somewhere else. I know this because other widows have been in touch (after reading Maureen’s obituary ) and they are suffering just like me, except their twilight existence, where they are the only inhabitant and totally unable to escape, has been going on for years.
At this precise moment my biggest concern is the acute loneliness and continuing weight loss (I now weigh less than I did aged eighteen), compounded by an overwhelming feeling that how and where I live has effectively made it impossible to ever find another partner, and therefore begin to have a life again. This nightmare is going to last forever. Unless that is, I do something to stop it. Joining Maureen is one of those possibilities, and something I think about continuously right now.
Breast cancer. Some more thoughts. Forget statistics (Maureen’s death was officially registered as starvation), breast cancer has to be the biggest cause of death in women today, and is growing exponentially. Why? There can only be one reason. And that is because it was created intentionally (like AIDS). This sounds mad, but we are living in a time where madness is not only in charge of running the country but intentionally destroying the planet too. Read Sheri S Teppper’s GIBBON’S DECLINE AND FALL.